Covid19 ressurection - Locked down in Yorkshireshireshire. (Vintafake or Art for Art sake? you decide)Part 13

 Greetings......Yep, You've landed. Welcome to one of the internets smallest digital silicon chips, a.k.a. 'The Old Sidevalve Bar'. but shame on you if you knew nothing of the 'Crackle Dynasty' before today. A non profit early learning hub with an online database of Vintafake and Derring Do that is nothin' short of a national treasure.

Anyhows this very blog page is a biggy. This could well be the final chapter to a very long story that the whole world has been waited for. (and of course to any alien species that are intersecting this intersepting missive.) Blimey, imagine the interseption of space with the thoughts of Albert Crackleport... Posh!!! Have I beer-houred too early?

Nay, no beer hour is early, only just in time.!!!!

So, flopping onto the doormat in an unceremonious flutter came a missive from Big Mother down in Swansea. Our Postie is a master at flopping all sorts of suspicious packages through our box without a sound so it remained in a state of laying un-noticed for several hours. "Behold more shitte" I cried as my eyes caught a glimpse of another possible credit card application form.  But no, this was a small brown envelope with a secret inside, information that only someone in Welshman land knew.   Yes you've guessed it...D.V.L.A. had made contact..... 

Opened with trembling hands it did in fact bring instructions....

Oh blimey, what do you make of that? Episode 13 of a lock down story... Started with a sausage buttie and then to end like this...What will 'Little Walt' think?.....

POSH!!!! BEEEEER! 

Covid19 ressurection - Locked down in Yorkshireshireshire. (Vintafake or Art for Art sake? you decide)Part 12

 Progress report by Albert Crackleport. - News? Chuffin NEWS!!! I'm sat here shaking my head in slow side to side movements and at the same time and much slower rolling my eyes upwards. "Well you silly man" you may shout, "What's rattled you?" Hang on... hang on....how much can a chap take before pouring an extremely large sherry and helping himself  to several cheese/pineapple cocktail stick nibbles....

Blighty News....(which helps put this jotting in time, place and space) is the disaster around the world regarding covid and it's still ongoing....blooming serious! Too right. BUT!!! Outside of 'The Shire' and further darn sarfff where the silly willy clowns that govern our land live the T.V. news discussions are on 'Boris's curtains.....How much did they cost? I can hardly lift one finger across the keyboard to type... F.F.S. He's a public schoolboy blagger and don't ya know it. Ya did know before casting ya vote surely !!!! Well known for taking anyones money especially the taxpayers,  Thank goodness The Old Sidevalve Bar doesn't have a currency, I have a special world trading agreement in place, swapping goods and labour for sausage sandwiches', huge croissants and snifters of Barley wine. None taxable but rather a pain to carry around in a wallet. Hey Ho!

Back to Little Walt. The little chap is complete, next step is to apply for a dating certificate. Not one that may come from 32 Ambleside Avenue. Streatham. (Rather a famous dating agency in the 60's) Nay, Little Walts dating certificate will have to come from a motorcycle club that has access to old records of the relevant machine manufacturer. To obtain such a document I have to provide photographic evidence of Frame Number, Engine Number together with several photo's showing both sides clearly. Attached to such valuable information needs to be a bankers cheque valued in G.B.P. and not sausage sandwiches. 

Stress....don't know which is more stressful....Waiting for a successful dating search or the birth of a first born..  Either one takes what seems like ages to arrive and is accompanied with huge puffing and blowing as it emerges into the daylight.

Finally the big day.... He's from the year 1926....... and now has roots...I have the certificate to prove it..

Then more form filling to answer questions posed by Big Mother Computor of vehicle registration, another bankers cheque valued once again in G.B.P. and another wait......

 1926, by 'eck, them the'er Raleigh riders knew how to clock up tha' wins!!!!

Covid19 ressurection - Locked down in Yorkshireshireshire. (Vintafake or Art for Art sake? you decide)Part 11

 

 Albert here....Date 03/05/2021. Still living around Covid restrictions.......You know what? I'm not bothered if it's lockdown or not. Slowly unlocking? Phuff....Do I need my nails done? Nope!!! Visit a zoo? Nope!!! Have a pint outside on a freezing night? Nope!!! I'm in my zone (shed and homebrew) and the new normal can be what the hell it likes I'm not going to be part of it, not now and I've decided not ever! What really matters is progress continues on 'Little Walt'. 

There's faking and then there's 'Big Mister' faking and hey you've come to the right page to meet the 'Big Mister Fakers' We are edging ever nearer towards the climax episode! The finishing stoke that will reduce anyone but the prepared to breathlessness of almost lifethreatening proportions.... aaaaaaahhhhh....  aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh.... careful now!...Hold on a bit longer!!!! There's more to do.

Handlebar grips - Surely the old racers didn't bother with nancy boy anti-vibration bar end weights and sponge grips?  No sir!!  Fabric tape or a strip of tightly wrapped old inner tube would surely suffice to keep hand on bars over the infamous bump at  Brooklands. Then it's good enough for me, I need some similar.

Here's my Eric Fernihough tribute handlebar grips.....using old bicycle tube. Above is the man himself  at 169.79 miles per hour on a Brough Superior. Little Walt is looking faster already.

 

Adding to 'The Sporty Look' - The old Castrol R tin is a left over from my own racing days in the early '80s. Maybe not the correct logo for 1920's Wakefield Oil Co (laterly Castrol) but hey it's my motorcycle, and old motorcycles evolve through time.  A British Army water bottle carrier dating from possibly Falklands era held it nicely, case of fabricating a couple of brackets to mount it to the frame. Tried 2 positions and settled for the later.

 

 

 Fabricate bottom bracket - complete with 'speedholes'
 

and a top bracket.

Add a period lamp..

Borrow the gear changing lever from the Picklington Precision and fabricate attaching bracket.

That's it ! Hope Little Walt now looks good enough to present to Licensing Dept with a view of obtaining road legal paperwork.

Hope also that the 'Extreme Vintafaking' reflects in the best possible way the sporting heritage of Raleigh Motorcycles. 

Speaking of sporting - Here's another good sport, well known for giving her best on the moors and in thick wooded areas. Yes, you've guessed it, another great photo of top Works Raleigh Chick - Marjorie Cottle riding in the 1927 I.S.D.T.  (left)

 

Looks like Little Walt came from an era of hard riding, and hard dinner breaks.

Shap ISDT 1927 (image from STT collection)  

Image of a Lunch Stop with lashings of Beer at ISDT 1927 

So, keep watching for more news of Little Walt.  In the meantime why not have your own ISDT lunch stop. But remember 'stay safe and bottoms up'.

 

Covid19 ressurection - Locked down in Yorkshireshireshire. (Vintafake or Art for Art sake? you decide)Part 10

 Covid19 news today - Same old - same old. Lockdown easing stop......Dickheads heading to beer gardens and the coast stop....Barbers open so is it something for the weekend sir? oh and a haircut if ya can't do it ya'self stop.....Wow that's freedom.. ...Any bets on another wave? 

Greetings my friends, Albert here with more tips on how to recycle everyday objects into breathtaking motorcycle vintafakeness that not too far in the future will become family heirlooms. If, of course that's where you interest lies read on. You would have thought that working with sellotape, string and skool glue appeared to be something only baby boomers can do without safety equipment, but fear not on this blog knowledge is freely given to those who are capable of cooking their own meals rather than 'app a meerkat pizza' from their well arsed sofa.  Start today and learn the ways of the masters and in no time you too will be able to leave home without a phone...find your own way with just a map and be confident enough to tie your own shoe laces..

Todays lesson -How to fabricate a faux kickstarter shaft.

So far on the Little Walt vintafake for arts sake journey we have made a replica exhaust pipe out of plastic and a fuel tank out of cardboard. Obviously missing if you look at Little Walts pictures is the kickstarter shaft and lever. The big hole on the right side of the motor instantly giving the game away. A kickstart lever came in Little Walts travel suitcase but it looks suspisiously to be of Japanese small motorcycle heritage. The kickstarter shaft was beyond a quick repair. Now what?

 

Just call your Uncle Albert 'Geppetto Crackleport' for yes you've guessed it....this time I will be working with wood...

Turned one side of the wood to be a tight fit into the engine casing, the other tight enough to hold the kickstart lever. (At least for a couple of photos) You surely wasn't thinking I'd be trying to start the engine with it?  Remember there are no engine internals, it's a real Pinocchio motor...lie upon lie upon lie.

Finish by cutting the nose to length and spraying silver.

 

The Pinocchio shaft, it got no strings !!! Hey, Geppetto Crackleport ya deserve a flagon of homebrew 'I certainly do' even if I do say so myself...

Covid19 ressurection - Locked down in Yorkshireshireshire. (Vintafake or Art? you decide)Part 9

 How could your Uncle Albert match the shear artistry of the 'Splut' cardboard fuel tank that now adorns Little Walt? A show stopper or a big whopper? Was it 'Naturalism, Realism or Kidologyism? A perfect meld of all? You decide. The pressure is on, for I too now have to done my smock and floppy velvet beret and create a piece of 'Vintafake' that pleases the eye and fools the brain. Look out 'Tate Modern' 'cos 'The Old Sidevalve Bar' is coming to get ya!!!!

My chosen modelling material is plastic. I just happen to have in stock a length of  tube that was originally destined to transfer soapy suds from a washing machine to a sewer drain, this with a bit of effort and imagination could make a lookalike exhaust pipe. 

A heat gun best used for paint removal was gently played over an area of the tube and once the plastic reached a wobble state a bend was attempted. Hum, this 'aint gonna work, too much wibble on the wobble. Now what? fear not, sometimes the years of collecting the non collectable pays dividends. I just also happen to have in stock a selection of rather unattractive coil springs that once added external support to Mig Welding torches. 

 

 Double lucky that one of them slides down the plastic pipe with less than a millimetre clearance. Hot gun on wobble temperature and the plan appears to be working. Slowly, slowly, keep the wibble out of the wobble and watch the ripple.

 

Feedback majority suggested I filled the ripple scars with body filler ( a.k.a. Bondo) before painting black.

 A couple of coats of Satin Black followed by a very light rub with Scotchpad when dry and that looks pretty life like to me. Next job - Brackets to hold the pipe in place. Drilled with Speed-holes and to be painted with black a.s.a.p.

So there it is, Little Walt now has a Vintafake exhaust pipe. Below George Dance on the 1920's works Sunbeam. Spot the difference.

Here's Elke Sommer with a bit of Vintage. Oh yes, it's all about the pipes.

Covid19 ressurection - Locked down in Yorkshireshireshire. (Vintafake or Art? you decide)Part 8

 Greetings. Albert here. Would you believe the last time I wrote a blog post about Little Walt it was nearly Christmas 2020...Just to keep this going along with the public holiday theme it is now nearly Easter. Yes, Easter 2021. What happened over the last 3 months?  Phuff, shi# happened. Big time. Not only were mutant Covids running loose everywhere at the end of 2020 but..... Brexit Blighty became officially severed from the E.U. umbilical, cast out with a bad fish deal and now known only as a naughty 3rd country.

Ah fear not, your Uncle Albert is a wily old duffer. Keeping out of the way of the nasty germs meant he could spend christmas in his personal grotto. A.K.A. The Old Sidevalve Bar. No harm in that !!!! But the  Brexit bit could be a bummer when treasure needs to be transported between 'The Old Sidevalve Bar' and 'The Arcade' in Belgium. We will see....where theres a will, there will be a way....there has to be....

Back to the shed - Proper productive I was, doing vintafake that would surpassing any known vintafake. So vintafake it ceased to be vintafake and became pure art !!!  The quest to obtain documents and legalise Little Walt was the priority and needed to become a reality before the big cheese D.V.L.A. restarted inspecting vehicles rather than relying on photographic evidence

Little Walt needed to look fit for purpose, even if many hours of engineering were ahead. Hold on !!!! Cut the engineering to a minimum and use 'Blue Peter' style constrution for the missing parts. Cardboard, string, glue and any other household material were the favourite skool building blocks, use the lessons learnt and do it again. 

I was quickly on the phone to Basil Splutterpipes polishing shop, time was of the essence ..Hey, Basil I've a task for someone who can safely use 'grown ups' scissors and isn't frightened of hot melt glue. "That is I" was the reply. "What ya got planned?" Top secret at this stage but I'm sending to your abode (in a plain brown envelope to avoid suspicion) scale plans. Show them to nobody "What ho old chap, I'll keep a look out for the postie". At this point Basil didn't know he had been comissioned to make a fuel tank in 'The Spirit' of a 1920's Brooklands flat tanker. His skills with Airfix kits are known throughout 'The Shire', working with cardboard would be a cinch.  

Drawing the plans - String has many uses. Here's one of them, the first imaginary line and a start point to take measurements from.

 About this long will be ideal.

1/2 scale.

A couple of days later the plans landed at the polishing shop across the valley. Basil messaged - Wow, most excellent draughmanship old chap. The detail is astonishing!!! I shall go in search of strong cardboard. First stop the skip at the local supermarket. They'll have plenty of 2 x wall corrugated.

In no time the snips were busy snipping... and the glue was melting.

A smidge of filler and ready for paint, pinstrip and decals. 

Mounting brackets formed, oil and petrol fillers (milk bottle tops sprayed silver) in place, manufacturer and dealer decals to finish off !  YOWSA!!! A genuine Basil Splutterpipe work of art. 

Banksy and Splut, two of UKs finest...or are they the same person? Nobody knows.

Once more an undercover meeting canalside to pick up the finished article and in no time the replica 1920's race tank was in place on Little Walt. One small step for man, one giant leap for Little Walt.

Covid19 ressurection - Locked down in Yorkshireshireshire. Part 7

Crackleport sending festive greetings and turkey flavoured jottlingtons from 'The Shire'.  Quick reminder - I'm located at a secret location in 'The Shire' called 'The Old Sidevalve Bar'. World famous in the masonic lodges of oilyness for proper shoestring engineering. You haven't seen the secret vintafake masons handshake? Then you are yet to be invited into the inner sanctum and experience the 10 year old Carrot Whisky or the falling down rhubarb cider. Until then follow the ways of the Old Oilyracers because one day my friend you may be approached to join them. Turn the offer down and you will be banished into the wilderness of bling and chinese manufactured G5 phones for everrrrrrr! Yep, all G5 is secret listening for China World takeover. (So don't tell them ya name Pike!)

But today....no hand shaking.....or loin rubbing...just under-arm elbow knocking because the new normal continues....The Shire is still locked down with the firmest rules. Lot's of naughty 'Shiresters' have been playing out at the shops and socializing at pubs over a 'Scotch Egg' and a 'pint of Best', and the kids (who should know better) have been going to school!!!

But fear not ....The plan to obtain legal papers for Walter continues, researching on the internettlewebby can turn up some unusual snippits of information. Anything to put Walter in a time and place would be useful but he has shunned officialdom for decades. The time has come, he now needs to be put on the big mother computor at DVLA.

Here's an interesting photograph from a couple of years after Walters birth taken at the Raleigh factory. In fact capturing forever the very birthing conveyor that Walter travelled on, and even more probable the very same birthing engineers.

1928 - The Sultan of Zanzibar, Seyyid Khalif and his son Abdallah, inspect the modern ways of motorcycle manufacture on a state visit.

But for what reason was the Sultan really visiting Raleigh? In fact why was he in Blighty at all?  State visit my arse, he was maybe bagging a few more wives?, discussing the possibility of leaving his son to attend jolly old Eton? or negotiating a discount on bulk purchase of bicycles faster than lions!

 Nice to know Walter has a fine heritage.....more to follow..

Did anyone mention beer? Oh thanks, mines a flagon of porter if ya don't mind. 

A toast to Brexit..for the hour cometh....bless Boris and all who sail in him...may the french keep their scallops and may the small route to the trappist monasteries of Belgium through the butterwoods be kept open to travellers from Blighty! Cheers!!!!